How to Care for Your Introvert...
I have a tshirt that says "introvert" on the left breast - right about the space a pocket would go if it had a pocket. People think I wear it ironically instead of as an identifier. Truth is, I wear it as a warning. "Come at me in small doses, bro. You don't want to frighten me off."
Here's the thing. I am not a snob. I'm not stuck up. I don't think I am better than you. I'm not shy. I'm not a recluse. I'm not ignoring you. I don't want to NOT hang out with you.
I am just an introvert living in an extrovert's world.
If you are an extrovert, chances are you have adopted an introvert friend. It's very nice of you. Introverts need friends. We like friends. So thank you for taking one under your wing because we are woefully misunderstood creatures. We aren't necessarily quiet and shy. We don't hate people. We just expend and recharge our energy in a way that is different from you.
Meaning - large groups and excitement and all those things you thrive on leave us very, very tired and feeling a bit like we spent last night consuming half a bottle of Captain Morgan.
If you want to have a better relationship with your introvert, here is are some ways you can take an introvert's ultimate energy sucking situations and make them better:
1) Large Parties/Get Togethers/Events/Bars
Ugh. So much "peopling." Here's the thing. I like planning these things. I even like going to these things. But there's just so much going on! There's people trying to make conversation. There's food. There's drinks. There's music. There's lights. There's dancing. It really can feel like you are standing in a room and spinning in circles.
And when our extrovert leaves us to go to the bathroom and we are left just being "there," not knowing what to do with ourselves and certain that guy by the bar is staring at us because we look funny - well - this is why smart phones were REALLY invented. I don't care what anyone says.
Just so you know, 3 hours of bar time equals 3 episodes of Riverdale. Life is a compromise. More importantly, limit your bathroom excursions to two. Make sure they are no longer than 3 minutes each. At minute 4, that guy at the bar is going to come over to say your introvert looks lonely and try to make small talk.
2) Small Talk
Outside of the weather, I have no clue what to talk about or how to contribute to a group conversation. No one ever seems as impressed with my vast knowledge of Broadway stars as I am.
This is what happens when the random guy comes over while you are in the bathroom.
Random guy: "You look bored. Do you come here often?"
Me: "Did you know that John Tartaglia was the youngest puppeteer ever on Sesame Street at the age of 16? No? Oh. Well he was."
Random guy: "Oh look. I see an extrovert that isn't lame in a group of other extroverts doing extrovert things. I'll be right back." They don't come right back. And you are still in the bathroom, you monster.
First of all, I already said you have a 3 minute limit in the bathroom. I don't care if there was a line. Second, help your introvert make small talk, introduce your introvert and help establish common ground to make your introvert feel included. You know your introvert talks and has great stories and opinions. Just last week the two of you had a very in depth 4 hour conversation about the latest mystery in the Pearson time jump on This is Us.
Let's take another look at that conversation as if you didn't spend a lifetime in the bathroom.
Random guy: "Hi fellow extrovert! I noticed your introvert standing here alone and was just going to keep them company. Do you come here often?"
Me: "Um. No."
You: I usually come here on Tuesdays while she goes to the theater in the park with her family. She was free tonight and came along to see where I hang out while she is being a theater nerd."
Random guy: "Oh cool, my wife and I took our son last week to see that show that had the giant dragon puppet - it was all he could talk about the next day."
Me: "Oh really? Did you like it? The director used to be on Sesame Street and was part of the original Avenue Q cast. He loves to use puppets in his shows. I like to see what he's gonna do next. I bet your son really loved it. How old is he?"
Random guy: "Oh yeah? It was great! The size of that dragon man, it made the show. And my son was in awe! He's 7 so he loves everything about dragons. Do you have any kids?"
Check out those common bonds and conversation skills! Help your introvert find common bonds and make them feel included. Should by some miracle this conversation attract more people, encourage your introvert to engage by including them in the conversation. And whatever you do - never, ever, talk over your introvert when he or she speaks. It takes a lot of energy to participate, don't make it seem like the energy is unimportant. Also, it's rude.
3) Phone calls vs. Text Messages
If an introvert sends you a text, do not respond with a phone call. If the introvert wanted to talk on the phone, the introvert would have called. But the introvert didn't call. This is why texting was invented. Here's a guide:
I send a text. Does the text warrant a response?
Does the response warranted include the answer to a yes or no question?
Does the answer require more than a 1-5 word response?
Does the answer require more than a two sentence response?
See how easy that is?
Okay. Maybe I'm kidding. A little. But seriously. Don't respond to an introvert's text with a phone call unless asked to or it is absolutely needed. There was a reason for the choice of communication.
4) Know when to hold em, when to fold em
Know when to walk away - or better yet, when an introvert is ready to run. Always know and appreciate the signs that your introvert has exhausted all stores of energy and needs some alone time to recoup. I care what you think and don't want to disappoint you by saying that I am ready to leave.
If your introvert is offering to do Aunt Sally's dishes, she is probably ready to go home. If she is suddenly showing a great deal of interest in categorizing and alphabetizing the dvd collection, she has had her fill. If he has wandered off to the back yard to play catch with the dog, he no longer wants to be around people. If you ordered another beer and thought you imagined a quite sigh from someone near by, you didn't imagine it. If you look across the bar or party and notice your introvert has hunkered down in the corner and produced a book out of thin air - run - don't walk - for the exit.
Just so you know - I may or may not have done all of these things at some point. I'm not ashamed.
Can You Handle The Truth?
Introverts really do want to have friends, go places and have great conversations. We like to keep our circles small and intimate. We don't want to have a large number of friends and acquaintances because we prefer to have small, select groups that we trust. We choose to make valuable and deep connections. Just as an extrovert has adopted an introvert as a friend, the introvert has marked the extrovert as a special individual who is worthy of time and energy.
If you have adopted an introvert - know that he or she has taken deliberate action to adopt you back. The introvert recognizes the things that make you special and appreciates you. The fact that the introvert has chosen to enter your extrovert state of being proves that he or she wants to spend time with you and is willing to go outside of his or her comfort zone for the sake of your relationship.
When it comes down to it, introverts are a lot like cats. We decide who is worthy of being in the same room as us. We love a good blanket. We think naps are pretty cool. We don't like to be squeezed too tight. We startle with loud noises. We try to hide from large groups of people. We want to have our heads scratched in appreciation for the joy we bring into your lives. And if you make us get in a car against our will and go someplace that we don't want to go - we might just complain a bit.
Just as a cat will never be a dog, an introvert will never be an extrovert, so don't try to change us. Our quirks are actually what makes us so adorable and that's why you adopted one in the first place.
People often dispute that I am an introvert. To be clear, I have taken the full Myers Briggs test twice. I have taken multiple, shorter imitation tests. All are conclusive. I am an introvert. To be specific - an INFJ. My older sister, who is probably one of my closest friends, is an ESTP. I mean, how does that kind of polar personality difference even happen? Last time I checked, we grew up in the same house, the same parents, the same brother. Total personality opposites. It has to be some sort of genetic anomaly.
Here's the thing. I am not a snob. I'm not stuck up. I don't think I am better than you. I'm not shy. I'm not a recluse. I'm not ignoring you. I don't want to NOT hang out with you.
I am just an introvert living in an extrovert's world.
If you are an extrovert, chances are you have adopted an introvert friend. It's very nice of you. Introverts need friends. We like friends. So thank you for taking one under your wing because we are woefully misunderstood creatures. We aren't necessarily quiet and shy. We don't hate people. We just expend and recharge our energy in a way that is different from you.
Meaning - large groups and excitement and all those things you thrive on leave us very, very tired and feeling a bit like we spent last night consuming half a bottle of Captain Morgan.
If you want to have a better relationship with your introvert, here is are some ways you can take an introvert's ultimate energy sucking situations and make them better:
1) Large Parties/Get Togethers/Events/Bars
Ugh. So much "peopling." Here's the thing. I like planning these things. I even like going to these things. But there's just so much going on! There's people trying to make conversation. There's food. There's drinks. There's music. There's lights. There's dancing. It really can feel like you are standing in a room and spinning in circles.
And when our extrovert leaves us to go to the bathroom and we are left just being "there," not knowing what to do with ourselves and certain that guy by the bar is staring at us because we look funny - well - this is why smart phones were REALLY invented. I don't care what anyone says.
Just so you know, 3 hours of bar time equals 3 episodes of Riverdale. Life is a compromise. More importantly, limit your bathroom excursions to two. Make sure they are no longer than 3 minutes each. At minute 4, that guy at the bar is going to come over to say your introvert looks lonely and try to make small talk.
2) Small Talk
Outside of the weather, I have no clue what to talk about or how to contribute to a group conversation. No one ever seems as impressed with my vast knowledge of Broadway stars as I am.
This is what happens when the random guy comes over while you are in the bathroom.
Random guy: "You look bored. Do you come here often?"
Me: "Did you know that John Tartaglia was the youngest puppeteer ever on Sesame Street at the age of 16? No? Oh. Well he was."
Random guy: "Oh look. I see an extrovert that isn't lame in a group of other extroverts doing extrovert things. I'll be right back." They don't come right back. And you are still in the bathroom, you monster.
First of all, I already said you have a 3 minute limit in the bathroom. I don't care if there was a line. Second, help your introvert make small talk, introduce your introvert and help establish common ground to make your introvert feel included. You know your introvert talks and has great stories and opinions. Just last week the two of you had a very in depth 4 hour conversation about the latest mystery in the Pearson time jump on This is Us.
Let's take another look at that conversation as if you didn't spend a lifetime in the bathroom.
Random guy: "Hi fellow extrovert! I noticed your introvert standing here alone and was just going to keep them company. Do you come here often?"
Me: "Um. No."
You: I usually come here on Tuesdays while she goes to the theater in the park with her family. She was free tonight and came along to see where I hang out while she is being a theater nerd."
Random guy: "Oh cool, my wife and I took our son last week to see that show that had the giant dragon puppet - it was all he could talk about the next day."
Me: "Oh really? Did you like it? The director used to be on Sesame Street and was part of the original Avenue Q cast. He loves to use puppets in his shows. I like to see what he's gonna do next. I bet your son really loved it. How old is he?"
Random guy: "Oh yeah? It was great! The size of that dragon man, it made the show. And my son was in awe! He's 7 so he loves everything about dragons. Do you have any kids?"
Check out those common bonds and conversation skills! Help your introvert find common bonds and make them feel included. Should by some miracle this conversation attract more people, encourage your introvert to engage by including them in the conversation. And whatever you do - never, ever, talk over your introvert when he or she speaks. It takes a lot of energy to participate, don't make it seem like the energy is unimportant. Also, it's rude.
3) Phone calls vs. Text Messages
If an introvert sends you a text, do not respond with a phone call. If the introvert wanted to talk on the phone, the introvert would have called. But the introvert didn't call. This is why texting was invented. Here's a guide:
I send a text. Does the text warrant a response?
- No - send a relevant emoji or gif to acknowledge receipt so the introvert doesn't develop anxiety and start second guessing the text.
- Yes - see next.
Does the response warranted include the answer to a yes or no question?
- Yes - text a response.
- No - see next.
Does the answer require more than a 1-5 word response?
- No - text a response.
- Yes - see next.
Does the answer require more than a two sentence response?
- No - text a response.
- Yes - send an email.
See how easy that is?
Okay. Maybe I'm kidding. A little. But seriously. Don't respond to an introvert's text with a phone call unless asked to or it is absolutely needed. There was a reason for the choice of communication.
4) Know when to hold em, when to fold em
Know when to walk away - or better yet, when an introvert is ready to run. Always know and appreciate the signs that your introvert has exhausted all stores of energy and needs some alone time to recoup. I care what you think and don't want to disappoint you by saying that I am ready to leave.
If your introvert is offering to do Aunt Sally's dishes, she is probably ready to go home. If she is suddenly showing a great deal of interest in categorizing and alphabetizing the dvd collection, she has had her fill. If he has wandered off to the back yard to play catch with the dog, he no longer wants to be around people. If you ordered another beer and thought you imagined a quite sigh from someone near by, you didn't imagine it. If you look across the bar or party and notice your introvert has hunkered down in the corner and produced a book out of thin air - run - don't walk - for the exit.
Just so you know - I may or may not have done all of these things at some point. I'm not ashamed.
Can You Handle The Truth?
Introverts really do want to have friends, go places and have great conversations. We like to keep our circles small and intimate. We don't want to have a large number of friends and acquaintances because we prefer to have small, select groups that we trust. We choose to make valuable and deep connections. Just as an extrovert has adopted an introvert as a friend, the introvert has marked the extrovert as a special individual who is worthy of time and energy.
If you have adopted an introvert - know that he or she has taken deliberate action to adopt you back. The introvert recognizes the things that make you special and appreciates you. The fact that the introvert has chosen to enter your extrovert state of being proves that he or she wants to spend time with you and is willing to go outside of his or her comfort zone for the sake of your relationship.
When it comes down to it, introverts are a lot like cats. We decide who is worthy of being in the same room as us. We love a good blanket. We think naps are pretty cool. We don't like to be squeezed too tight. We startle with loud noises. We try to hide from large groups of people. We want to have our heads scratched in appreciation for the joy we bring into your lives. And if you make us get in a car against our will and go someplace that we don't want to go - we might just complain a bit.
Just as a cat will never be a dog, an introvert will never be an extrovert, so don't try to change us. Our quirks are actually what makes us so adorable and that's why you adopted one in the first place.
People often dispute that I am an introvert. To be clear, I have taken the full Myers Briggs test twice. I have taken multiple, shorter imitation tests. All are conclusive. I am an introvert. To be specific - an INFJ. My older sister, who is probably one of my closest friends, is an ESTP. I mean, how does that kind of polar personality difference even happen? Last time I checked, we grew up in the same house, the same parents, the same brother. Total personality opposites. It has to be some sort of genetic anomaly.
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